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| January 30, 1997 |
Circulation 54 |
Vol. 1, No. 14 |
CHORES: Like most husbands
I do my best to help my partner out around the house ...
it's only fair after all ... (I'm sure this is a universal
thing for men ... despite the stories we hear about some
of our brothers in other parts of the world) ... like
soon after we moved to our current home ... back when
all seven kids were still at home ... I would watch her
doin' the laundry ... it wasn't hard to catch her at it
... she was only doin' six or seven loads a day ... she'd
end up sortin', foldin' 'n carryin' the clothes to each
person's room 'n puttin' 'em away ... I was touched by
the amount of work involved ... so I decided to help out
... I went to Hechinger ... bought some wood ... used
it as an excuse to buy a nice Black & Decker router
... built her an open set of six cubicles ... we assigned
one to each of the kids who could walk ... #7 was still
in diapers so he lucked out ... now she could jes' sort
the laundry as she folded ... stick the items in their
appropriate spot ... then try to convince the kids to
carry their own clothes up ... aren't I jes' so thoughtful?
... there wasn't enough space in the laundry room to put
more cubbys so our clothes 'n other stuff went in a laundry
basket ... I cheerily volunteered to be in charge of that
basket ... it would be pleasure to take it upstairs ...
put all the clothes away ... I jes' never cease to amaze
myself at how generous I could be ... jes' gives me goosebumps
thinkin' 'bout it ... I must admit, though, sometimes
I get a little distracted doin' other jobs 'round the
house ... the basket of our stuff gets a tad full ...
she has to use a stool to add stuff to the top ... but
she never nags me ... she has this gentle way of remindin'
me that I've neglected my job ... I'll go up to get in
bed at night ... all the clothes'll be stacked neatly
on my side of the bed ... a subtle touch ... makes me
chuckle inside thinkin' how sweet she is ... (I hope she
enjoys the knot halfway up her pantyhose leg!) ... jes'
like other men ... I'm always on the look out for those
little things around the house that need to be taken care
of ... you won't believe this but one afternoon I was
lookin' up at our family room ceilin' ... I thought I
noticed some strings or somethin' stuck on the texture
... I pulled a chair over for a closer look ... I was
amazed! ... here were a few minute bits of thread that
seemed to match the color of the couch! ... I was shocked!
... how could they have gotten there? ... I proceeded
to inspect the couch 'n noticed a few spots that looked
like they were a little worn ... it came to me like a
lightning bolt ... the couch had floated up to the ceiling
'n was probably stuck there like a helium filled balloon
... I wondered if the fibers were emitting some kind of
gas that accumulated under the couch ... caused it to
float up at night when no one was lookin' ... it was obvious,
as the nose on my face, what I had to do ... I'd jes'
have to take up a station on the couch to keep it from
floatin' up! ... I had to stretch out because I didn't
want one end of it risin' up 'n dumpin' me off! ... about
the same time I discovered another phenomenon that I haven't
seen in the Science & Technology section of the Post
... did you know that snappin' turtles are afraid of infrared
light? ... I'm tellin' ya' I'm glad I uncovered this strange
behavior ... as luck would have it, a lot of us have a
device that emits the right kind of infrared light ...
it's a small, handheld device that can be used anywhere
but it's 'specially effective when it's used 'bout 24
inches off the ground ... now the snappin' turtles don't
need a steady stream of the light ... short bursts are
the best ... about every 5 seconds or so ... oh ... there
is one side-effect you should be aware of ... the device
also serves as a remote control for the television ...
(I thought that was a pretty clever addition) ... the
channels change every time you scare the turtles ... I
patiently explained this to my sweet wife ... (from my
strategic position on the couch) ... I noticed a glint
of admiration in her eyes ... she remarked "But there
aren't any snappin' turtles in our family room!!!"
... "See, it works!" I replied ... (ba da bing!
... rimshot, please) ... some people find the channel
changin' a little annoyin' but here's another little secret
that helped me out in that area ... y'all remember the
Evelyn Wood Speed Reading courses, right? ... well her
husband Harding ... known as Hard ... had developed his
own course called Speed Watching ... he was a little ahead
of his time since the course came out back when you had
to actually turn a knob on the television to change the
channels ... I know that kind of dates me ... I'll never
forget the day they came out with the rectangular picture
tube! ... his course kind of faded into obscurity ...
maybe it's time to dig it out for the good of humanity
... I've been practicin' some of his techniques at night
... I've got it down to 46 channels in under two minutes
with 95% comprehension ... I saw a show with Dr. Green
in an emergency room fixin' a nice stir fry while paintin'
a picture of a lake with a mountain in the background
wearin' some fine lookin' gold chains that were almost
sold out to the Bad Boys diggin' up Pyramids in Egypt
while Virginia Tech was whippin' the Capitals who were
tryin' to get a date with Jay Leno who was interviewin'
Barbara Walters 'bout interviewin' Regis Philbin while
he gave an acceptance speech at the Country Music awards!
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EAR CANDY: You're gonna be
so glad you got this far! ... whenever you're feelin'
blue ... thinkin' you work too hard ... a little down
in the dumps ... I've got the perfect phone number for
ya' ... (703) 648-7777 ... it'll lift you right up! ...
I'm just amazed that it's free!
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"I complained that I didn't
have HBO until I met a man who had no cable." --
Mikey, Thinkin' Too Hard
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| Mikey's Muse(tm)
is published weekdays as a commentary on stuff. Editor,
Michael T. Rusk. Copyright © 1997 by Michael T. Rusk.
Printed in the U.S.A. This publication may be distributed
freely as long as there is no charge. Commentary is loosely
based on actual events and may contain embellishments,
bits of fiction, and editorial liberties (lies) under
the guise of poetic license. All characters portrayed
in my writing are purely fictional and any resemblance
to any person, company or animal is purely unintentional.
If you don't get it, you just don't get it. Don't blame
me for anything I say and don't do anything I say, either.
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