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| February 5, 1997 |
Circulation 59 |
Vol. 1, No. 18 |
DUMB AND DUMBER: I can't believe
I did this! ... I mean to tell ya ... how often do you
get an invitation to a FREE breakfast?!?! ... I couldn't
believe my eyes last week when the notices first hit the
mailboxes at the office ... the building management ...
in a moment of unbridled generosity ... was gonna sponsor
a breakfast for all the tenants in the building ... not
jes' stale pastry ... juice from concentrate ... but a
real breakfast ... with none other than Mr. Omelette
comin' in to serve a helpin' o' heart-stoppin' cholesterol
with all your favorite veggies 'n fungi ... my mouth was
waterin' as I marked the date on my calendar ... I was
even wishin' I lived closer so's I could bring my family
by ... as honorary employees ... get them a tasty treat
as well ... but there were going to be obstacles ... Monday
... while I was gettin' my pre-physical workup ... the
nurse said the doctor wanted to do one test but I had
to come back in exactly 48 hours to get the results read
... it was 8:30 ... my brain was in neutral ... (better
'n bein' in reverse) ... I agreed that I'd be back at
8:30 Wednesday mornin' ... I was drivin' to work after
the visit ... mullin' over the week ahead when reality
slapped me in the face like a pair of sweat-soaked socks
... I was gonna miss my omelette!! ... what irony ...
when I was tellin' wifey-poo about my tests she kindly
volunteered to read my test results 'n make the entry
in my chart ... (she works for my doctor as well) ...
looks like I'd get my breakfast after all ... yesterday
I called to get an appointment with my skin doctor ...
(I dread goin' to her almost as much as I dread goin'
to a proctologist) ... I figgered it'd be weeks before
I could get in ... the receptionist cheerfully asked "Can
you come in tomorrow?" ... without a moments hesitation
I said yes ... she continued "9:30 OK?" ...
I was ecstatic ... I wouldn't have to dread the visit
for weeks ... I'd be able to get it all over with so quickly
... I was thinkin' how proud my sweetie would be that
I'd acted so quickly ... (I'd been puttin' the call off
for a couple of weeks) ... I called home to give her the
good news ... her first comment "You'll miss your
omelette!" ... boy, did I feel dumb! ... I guess
it jes' wasn't meant to be ... I hope everyone at the
office enjoys my share!
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QUICK FIX: I'm glad to see
that General Motors responded so quickly to the latest
rulings on air bags ... that's why I like to buy all my
cars from them ... my latest edition to the stable has
dual airbags ... (I could resort to gratuitous humor at
another's expense by snidely remarkin' how I always had
those when wifey 'n her friend were in the car with me
... but I'm above all that) ... I was thinkin' 'bout how
we used to haul our kids 'round in the car ... back when
the world was a little more barbaric ... before seatbelts
were even required in cars ... settin' 'em in little plastic
things ... balanced on the front seat ... so we could
hold the bottle in their mouth while we drove ... or simply
holdin' 'em in our laps ... back to my story ... we got
this letter from General Motors the other day ... actually
not a letter ... just a sheet with two decals on it ...
they looked vaguely familiar ... but I didn't know what
to do with them ... this weekend I happened to use my
sun visor ... that's right the sun came out for a while
... I spotted the airbag warning on the back of the visor
... it was a thoughtful reminder to sit back from the
airbag ... don't put stuff over it ... be sure to face
infant seats backwards ... the kind of thing you should
have a stewardess ... ('scuse me ... a flight attendant)
... read to you as you get in the car each mornin' ...
right before the breakfast cart goes down the aisle ...
it dawned on me that GM wanted me to put up the new stickers
over these ... obediently I did ... much sterner language
... starts out by bluntly statin' that airbags'll kill
children under 12! ... now there's a soberin' thought
... a new threat to use in tryin' to get the kids to quit
fightin' in the back seat ... "Stop it right now!
Or I'll make you ride in the front passenger seat!"
... sure beats tryin' to reach behind you to smack 'em
while your drivin'! ... I jes' wanted you to know ...
next time you get in a car ... be sure to read all the
important notices on the back of the visor ... you might
wanna sit in the back, too! ... it has been a little difficult
tryin' to reach the gas pedal 'n steerin' wheel from back
there ... 'n the looks I get drivin' on the Beltway! ...
you'd think I had two heads!
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"Money is the root of all
evil so save yourself and give it all to me!" --
Mikey, Thinkin' Too Hard
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| Mikey's Muse(tm)
is published weekdays as a commentary on stuff. Editor,
Michael T. Rusk. Copyright © 1997 by Michael T. Rusk.
Printed in the U.S.A. This publication may be distributed
freely as long as there is no charge. Commentary is loosely
based on actual events and may contain embellishments,
bits of fiction, and editorial liberties (lies) under
the guise of poetic license. All characters portrayed
in my writing are purely fictional and any resemblance
to any person, company or animal is purely unintentional.
If you don't get it, you just don't get it. Don't blame
me for anything I say and don't do anything I say, either.
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