|
| February 14, 1997 |
Circulation 73 |
Vol. 1, No. 25 |
HAPPY: Valentine's Day ...
there I was elbow to elbow ... wait a minute! ... what's
that gal doin' in front of the 'Wife' section? ... is
she lost? ... move along! ... 'n another thing ... my
devious plan was foiled! ... totally unpremeditated when
it happened ... but as this day drew closer the thought
began to form ... ya know those Toni Braxton/Kenny G tickets
I got? ... for tomorrow night? ... now wouldn't that make
a nice Valentines Day outing? ... two birds with one stone
so to speak ... but before I could hatch my clever plot
... wifey-poo 'n the office manager done figgered it out!
... the O.M. was tellin' W.P. not to let me try to double
up on Christmas presents 'n claim a Valentine credit for
it, too! ... man, this is a tough crowd ... maybe I can
turn it 'round ... in classic male style ... ask her what
she's gettin' me for Valentine's Day ... make it so she
has to do somethin' for me ... yeah ... that'll work ...
she'll be so distracted that I'll slip by another one!
|
SPEAKIN' O' HOLIDAYS: I'm runnin'
a little behind today ... pardon the pun ... gonna start
the day with the rest of my physical ... the physical
part ... can I get a black hood? ... maybe this is where
I get my aversion to powder ... the lightly talc'd rubber
gloves ... or that spine-chilling snap as they're pulled
on ... a reassuring "just relax" 'll drift over
my side ... followed by a "my, you're a little tense"
... I jes' hope he uses a flashlight 'n not a lighter!
... do ya think he'll notice my heart tattoo?
|
RESEAT THE USER: Now that's
a new one ... some of ya have computers ... ones that
you've actually taken the lid off ... not like the ones
at work ... where ya jes' call 'n complain ... but ones
where you've had to call an 800 number for support ...
like if all the pilots died on the plane 'n your tryin'
to fly the plane while somebody tells ya how to do it
over the radio ... somebody ... somewhere ... nowadays
ya don't know where the person sits that you're talkin'
too ... prob'ly Greece from the way he talks ... 'n worse
... this is your new toy ... a real bargain ... a powerhouse
for playin' solitaire ... surfin' the 'net ... ya consider
yourself a step above 'newbie' ... after all ya been doin'
the computer game for a while ... ya know your way 'round
this stuff ... you've followed the directions ... well
... the ones on the outside of the box anyway ... you're
tellin' yourself how hard can this be? ... jes' use a
little logic ... there's only so many ways to plug it
together ... besides ... that envelope in the box that
says "Read Me First" is prob'ly jes' full of
advertisements ... free Internet disks ... useless registration
cards ... update disks ... offers for PC Magazine ...
update disks? ... maybe that's why the thing won't come
up! ... is this the update disk it was sayin' to load
if ya had one? ... hmmmmm ... finally the screen comes
to life ... but no sound! ... what good is a computer
without sound? ... ya' dial the number ... the phone winces
as you punch each number savagely ... you're patience
is gone ... followed by two hours on hold ... (but you
take some satisfaction in knowin' that it's costin' 'em
money to have you stubbornly cling to their line ... you're
screwin' up their statistics good! ... wonderin' if somebody'll
get called on the carpet in the mornin' meetin' for missin'
standard ... you halfway smile in the gatherin' darkness)
... finally a human voice interrupts you're solitude ...
after the gatherin' of warranty information the diagnosis
begins ... "are the speakers plugged in?" ...
you almost go through the ceilin' ... it's all you can
do to keep from reachin' through the phone 'n throttlin'
the insolent idiot! ... who does he take you for? ...
some kinda dummy? ... you control yourself 'n respond
with a slightly condescending "yes" followed
by a sniff of indignation ... you 'splain how they made
a noise when you plugged 'em in to the back ... he queries
"which plug though?" ... you slide the machine
out ... there are several ... a flashlight ... the right
angle ... there's some markin' above the holes ... one's
marked 'mic' ... one's marked 'midi' ... one's marked
'ext spkr' ... hmmmmmm ... how come the speaker plug ain't
in that one? ... ya move it ... viola ... the computer
speaks ... "Na na na na na na" ... maintainin'
you're dignity you hrrrruummmpphhh at the support person
as though somebody else musta plugged it in the wrong
one! ... 'n off ya go into the wild blue web! ... happy
surfin' Mr. Calabash ... whoever you are!
|
"It's healthy when you can
laugh at yourself - but it's a lot more fun when the jokes
on someone else." -- Mikey, Thinkin' Too Hard
|
| Mikey's Muse(tm)
is published weekdays as a commentary on stuff. Editor,
Michael T. Rusk. Copyright © 1997 by Michael T. Rusk.
Printed in the U.S.A. This publication may be distributed
freely as long as there is no charge. Commentary is loosely
based on actual events and may contain embellishments,
bits of fiction, and editorial liberties (lies) under
the guise of poetic license. All characters portrayed
in my writing are purely fictional and any resemblance
to any person, company or animal is purely unintentional.
If you don't get it, you just don't get it. Don't blame
me for anything I say and don't do anything I say, either.
|
|
|
|
|
