January 6, 1996 Volume 2, No. 1

RESOLUTION 1: Busted before it even got out of the chute . . . oh well . . . this has been a busy week . . . tryin' to make up for a 3 day week last week . . . in 4 days this week . . . I'm glad it's finally done . . . so last night's activity was un-shopping . . . the ladies had agonized all day over purchases . . . run from store to store . . . their legs hurt . . . they were numb from digging for plastic in their purses . . . but they didn't like what they bought . . . so back to the store we went . . . retracing their steps . . . they kept saying "I hope that clerk isn't still here she'll think we're crazy" . . . let me tell ya . . . I don't need the clerk for that! . . . they waited in line behind this lady in dark purple sweatpants . . . a big green coat . . . she must've done the same thing . . . then we moved down the mall . . . they were in line . . . I wandered up . . . the same woman was in front of them again . . . after she left we laughed . . . thinking the other woman had done the same thing as them . . . we finally closed the mall . . . went over to grab a bite to eat (definitely not on our diet) . . . then, in preparation for the "storm" we stopped by a grocery store that stays open 'til midnight . . . apparently it had been hit earlier . . . by panic-stricken gangs . . . but there were still a few of the essential items left . . . we loaded up on toilet paper . . . milk . . . juice . . . bagels . . . mmmmmm . . . we're set . . . but then we looked down the frozen food aisle . . . oh my God! . . . it was the woman from the mall! . . . poor lady must think her husband has hired this wacko private detective group to follow her around . . . she kept looking over her shoulder . . . she wasn't finding nearly as funny as we did!

HAIR-CUTTERY: I can't stand it! . . . being hair-impaired might influence how I feel . . . but I gotta tell ya . . . nothin' more frustrating than a woman tryin' to decide to get her hair cut . . . only a few short weeks ago she'd come home after an encounter with the scissors . . . madder than you-know-what . . . ran into the shower . . . tried to regrow her hair with water . . . now here she is again . . . wanting to know if she should go get her haircut . . . at the same place . . . by the same woman . . . looking through the magazines . . . trying to find a picture of the hairdo she wants . . . she's got short "Sandi Duncan" lookin' hair now . . . wants to turn into Katie Capshaw hair . . . hmmmmmmm . . . asks me if I like the picture . . . what do I say . . . this is a trick question . . . I know it is . . . so I try to run away . . . can't I plead the Fifth? . . . I try to distract her with onion bagels . . . finally I have to admit that it would look good . . . you guessed it . . . "What! You mean I look ugly now?" . . . I ran to the basement . . . I'm hiding until she leaves with her friend.

HIGHWAYS: Oh c'mon . . . quit whinin' . . . you knew I couldn't stay away forever from my favorite subject . . . but actually it's been good lately . . . what with all the government shut down . . . there's been no traffic to speak of . . . I sure hope they get back to work soon . . . I see too many people I know who are beginning to get a little nervous . . . ever since I got my window fixed . . . I've been able to hear my book tapes . . . I've taken to listening to the tapes . . . tryin' to stay awake . . . the Anne Rice novels work pretty good . . . I would give you some advice though . . . don't listen to "Hypnotism Self-Taught" while you're drivin' . . . not that it's that dangerous . . . not any more so than when I just went to sleep by accident . . . people do stare a little when I'm drivin' down the road swinging a pocket watch in front of my face . . . some people just can't take a joke!

BEER BARREL POLKA: Maybe if we get trapped by a storm I'll get to start my first batch of brew . . . I know everybody here can hardly wait . . . I've managed to clear a little space next to my computer . . . so I can keep an eye on it while it ferments . . . the lovely scent of yeast'll inspire lofty thoughts . . . fame and fortune . . . I could be the next Samuel Adams! . . . stay tuned.

"When people ask your opinion, especially if they say they want the truth, make sure you tell them what they want to hear because they're probably having an anxiety attack." --Mikey, Thinking Too Hard