March 9, 1996 Subscribers: 2 Volume 2, No. 7

PFAUCETS: There are so many of 'em . . . all we need is a simple one . . . to fit on a simple sink top . . . in the main floor bathroom . . . they've got chrome ones . . . brass ones . . . plastic with plating . . . solid cast metal . . . crystal balls . . . single levers . . . two-handles (the ol' timey lookin' ones) . . . crosses . . . combo brass and chrome . . . of course the one we like is too expensive . . . that never fails . . . so we're tryin' to find something else . . . it's complicated by my wanting to match the brass and ceramic handles on the base . . . maybe I ought to throw those away . . . by some chrome ones . . . that's what we did last weekend . . . I think we're worn down now . . . ready to go out . . . get somethin' cheap . . . here's hopin'.

MORE SNOW: We're now within 6 inches of an all-time record . . . that's after the bitter blast we had yesterday . . . cold . . . windy . . . after the relatively mild weather . . . my son in California called . . . was afraid to tell me he was sittin' in his shorts . . . gettin' ready to go out . . . sit by the pool . . . yes I told him . . . but he doesn't get to enjoy rakin' leaves! . . . wait a minute . . . what am I sayin' . . . maybe it's time to head West?

SPEAKIN' O' BALLS: Got my notice that they want me to sign up for soccer referee assignments . . . but it's too cold! . . . that means I'd have to break down . . . get some long pants . . . try to remember what off-sides was . . . besides . . . I haven't gotten my official nearsightedness badge yet . . . how can I ref if I can still see . . . I thought you had to be visually impaired . . . I know that's how it works for the basketball refs . . . after all the games I've seen this season . . . jes' kiddin' guys . . . I know you do the best you can . . . I know you can't see everything that goes on . . . that's why us parents in the stands are tryin' to he'p ya . . . if you'd just listen to us more . . . you'd make a lot better calls!

BEER MAN: When we couldn't find our plumbing stuff last weekend . . . we ended up at the home brew store . . . fascinatin' place . . . decided to get another batch started while we're waitin' for the current one to age . . . bought a Continental Ale kit . . . 48 more bottles . . . let me see . . . that's only $49.95 for two cases of beer . . . hmmmmmm . . . what a bargain . . . but I'll bet it tastes better than the $5.95 a case stuff we normally buy . . . it better . . . or I'll buy the cheap stuff . . . re-bottle it . . . fake everybody out!

ADD ONS: Took one of our cars to the dealer . . . had an oil leak . . . we were positive it was from the head gasket . . . left it with 'em . . . told 'em no work unless it was warranty work . . . so they called me in the afternoon . . . not the head gasket they says . . . we've got to replace the valve cover . . . it's warranty . . . only $100 deductable that we have to pay . . . but while they were lookin' at it they did their "safety" inspection . . . read that to mean . . . how do we make up for the warranty . . . they found a worn out motor mount . . . brakes on all four wheels . . . bearings to pack . . . they wanted to steam clean the engine . . . rotate and balance the tires . . . about the only thing they didn't come up with was to replace the ash tray! . . . I guess they didn't think about that . . . all for the measly price of around $1,000 . . . I told 'em just do the leaker . . . we'd take care of the rest later . . . I might be in the wrong business . . . they sound like doctors!

"If you weren't supposed to pick your nose or scratch then why'd we grow fingers?" --Mikey, Thinking Too Hard