November 8, 1995 Volume 1, No. 3

RUSH HOUR BLUES: Backed up again!...it doesn't matter what time I leave...if I need to be somewhere...so does everybody else...same story every night...10-15 miles per hour...suckin' everybody's exhaust...music blarin' through the open windows...if you don't like what I'm listenin' to then roll up yours!...smellin' the cigarette smoke from the guy in front...watchin' the jerk rollin' up the shoulder...wishin' there was a cop sittin' 'round the bend!...gets hypnotic...have you ever had the experience where you're drivin'...the area doesn't look familiar?...all of a sudden you realize that you've gone about ten miles...don't remember any of it?...sometimes even miss your exit?...me either...just wanted to know if you did...or what about the so-and-so that gets right on your tail in the fast lane...starts blinkin' his lights...makin' rude gestures with his hand... ever notice one of those?...THEN GET OUT OF MY WAY!...about the new rule for distance between cars... look at a landmark...count to 3...that should be when you pass it?...not on any freeway I know...3 is the number of cars that cut in front of you if you leave one car length between you and the guy ahead!...I've noticed that weather affects the traffic also...rain is as bad as snow or ice...sunshine is as bad as snow or ice...night is as bad as day...another thing...I've learned that a fire truck comin' up the on ramp ahead of you generally means a bad commute...I've also found that they don't go as fast as me...if you drive right in front of them everybody thinks it's your red lights...gets out of the way...purty neat trick if ya' ask me...jes' kiddin' guys...don't try that at home...but what if we had to ride horses everywhere we went?

DANGER WILL ROBINSON!: Night before last wifey-poo, her friend and my daughter head into town for some evenin' shoppin'...innocent little group...get some cosmetics...some food...early too...like around 7 or so...they notice a commotion outside the front of the store...several police cars...a man on his knees against the front window of the store...on the outside looking in...a policeman holding him...starting the pat down...guy keeps tryin' to get his hands 'round front...officer keeps pullin' 'em back...the ladies notice what looks like a beeper on the guy's waist band...officer finally gets to it...starts pullin' out this nasty lookin' automatic handgun!... needless to say the ladies almost hit the floor...the store owner'd called the police 'cuz the guy's lady friend seemed to have taken a large discount on some merchandise...the armed dude was jes' innocently waitin' for her to come out...you jes' never know when all heck's gonna break loose!

FALL IS IN THE AIR: And on the ground...in my gutters...you name it we got fall...I mowed the lawn this last weekend...first time in months...the family's been heppin' me out this summer...the little boys think it's a real treat to get to run the lawn mower...I figger that'll last about one more summer...of course they wear safety goggles...hard hats... steel toed shoes...long pants...shirts with longsleeves...(wheh! for a minute there I almost forgot this is public - OSHA could be reading!)...back to last weekend...I wanted to bypass rakin' the leaves first...so it was push the mower 3 feet...empty the bag...another 3 feet...empty the bag...sure saved a lot o' rakin'!...I'm a real specialist at usin' automation wherever I can...all that labor savin' machinery...I'd use a ridin' mower 'cept I wouldn't have any room to turn it aroun'!

"Men are more easily governed through their vices than through their virtues." --Napoleon Bonaparte, Maxims